Zanti

Dancing at the funeral

2012-02-12T15:07:00.001-05:00

This is my favorite song. I think I could listen to it all day, every day.

Mothers and their support systems

2012-02-12T13:04:00.001-05:00

Dude--I'm not joking. You ARE adopted!!!

2012-02-03T15:03:00.001-05:00

This picture has been making its way around Pinterest and every time I see it I want to punch my computer screen. When are people going to stop perpetuating the idea that to be adopted means that you are somehow less? That you are not a real part of a family.

My biological children do not fit more snugly into my arms than my adopted children. My adopted children are no less soothed when they are sad, no less kissed when they have boo boos. My biological children will never tease their siblings about being adopted because in this family adoption means that you are loved. Just loved, plain and simple.

There's an adoption quote that says: "Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone. You did not grow under my heart, but in it."

IN IT--In this family, in this house, In my heart and the heart of their Father and all of their brothers and sisters! Whether biological or adopted.

Voting in the Republican primary

2012-01-28T10:46:00.000-05:00

I may be getting a little desperate in my desire to become ridiculously "personally conservative."

(Can you be just "personally conservative?" Totally, insanely, liberal in your thoughts on public policy because you do not under any circumstances believe that other people should be forced to live the way you do. But super conservative in the way you want to live your own life and train up your children. Or does that just make you a douche? Can you say douche if your a super "personal conservative?")

As you may or may not know my husband is a registered Republican. Several nights a week a look over and see that he is, lounging on our bed, watching Rachel Maddow (and I fall even more madly in love with him), so let that be your starting point for how Republican he really is. He said today that he won't change his affiliation simply because then I have to say that I'm married to a Republican. But none the less he is registered and therefor gets to vote in the upcoming primary for a Republican candidate.

This morning I suggested that he vote for Rick Santorum because he wants to outlaw birth control. And I would like to have 10 more children.

Titus: part 4

2012-01-26T15:30:00.001-05:00

(Find earlier parts of the story here)

I have been avoiding this part of Ty's story. It's a time when the system failed a child, in the very same way it does day after day, but this time it was my child.

In August I received a call from my social worker and she wanted me to know that the case was headed toward TPR (termination of parental rights). I was glad to hear it, Ty and his siblings needed permanency in the worst way. Then she told me "I don't want to raise your anxiety but we are going to be moving Ty in with his biological sister." This didn't make me anxious, it made me angry.

Ty had never lived with his biological siblings except for the first few months of his life (the time during which his biological siblings where being terrorized by the abuse in their home). He was removed from his birthparents (with a rocky transition from birthmom, to foster family #1, to us-foster family #2) Then he left us to live alone with Mom while she was in rehab and the siblings were in two separate foster families. Then he came back to us with yet another rocky transition (from birthmom to foster family that was caring for bio-brother, to us).

While Ty was with his birthmother in rehab we had been called for his oldest sister. We said yes but then her current foster family decided to keep fostering her (only to have her moved again soon because they received an infant placement). We should have been called when she was finally moved but by this time I was very obviously pregnant and DSS made it clear they were no longer interested in placing anyone in our home. Then when Ty came back into care we agreed to take him (and should have been given first preference because we had been his foster family in the past) but, after lying to me about what happened, DSS decided to place him with his bio-brother. We were called to pick him up two days later because the placement wasn't working out.

If everyone had done their jobs, with the well being of the child as the main priority, we should have been placed with both Ty's older sister and Ty, when he returned to care.

And then I was told that Ty was going to be moved for the 4th time in 18 months so that he could be placed in the home of his sister. His sister who, no more than 6 months previously, we had received a call to take as a foster placement. I said no. And I said that I would fight this decision with everything that I had. I also said that if this was a case that was going to be handled solely on the basis of bio-siblings living together then we would take all three siblings. I had previously been asked to take the sister, so obviously there was no problem there and I had experience with Larry that would serve me well in handling the issues of Ty's bio-brother. I would take this to the top of DSS if need be. I would hire a lawyer to keep DSS from permanently traumatizing an 18 month old by moving him, unnecessarily, for a 4th time.

Then I started doing research on attachment disorders and speaking to professors with doctorates in social work. If we were going to have a fight about the well being of this child, I was coming in armed. The research was clear that moving a child from a loving caregiver, especially during a crucial attachment period like the time between 16months and two years, was harmful to the future emotional and behavioral well being of the child. The professionals I spoke with, workers with over 20years in the child welfare field, agreed that when a child is already in an adoptive home, moving that child for reasons of biology is detrimental to the child's well being.

And so I fought. But honestly, it may not have made one bit of difference because DSS had made up their mind. They had a state mandate to keep siblings together when possible, regardless of the well being of any individual child, and they were going to do that. Not by taking the logical step and moving the older sister into our home, since she had experienced the most trauma and was likely already affected by attachment difficulties. But by moving Ty and creating yet another member of that biological family who would struggle emotionally in the years to come.

But God is bigger than DSS. He is bigger tha my research and he is bigger than lawyers and courtrooms. Because on the day that we walked into court, expecting to head home and pack up Ty's belongings, the lawyer said "each child is doing well in their own foster homes and should not be moved." And the judge said "I agree."

The fine art of Wooing

2012-01-11T21:25:00.000-05:00

Chad (upon seeing me at the bottom of the stairs): I thought you were the dog the way you lumbered down the stairs.

Me: You mean, "I thought you were an angel the way you so gracefully moved down the stairs."

Chad: No, I definitely thought you were the dog.

(He's lucky he's so handsome!)

A Part of My Heart Hardened

2012-01-09T21:38:00.000-05:00

"I found myself more angry than ever at the history and social conditions that had led [his] immediate family to such a dead end, but at the same time, despite all my political rhetoric, I could not exonerate parents who, out of weakness and self indulgence, had let their own children suffer. Whatever their excuse, they were still agents of an oppression that left [him] alone in the world, and for all my desire and will to extend to them the benifit of the doubt, a part of my heart hardened." Michael Dorris, The Broken Cord

These are the words, that my heart has been feeling, since we first brought a very sick, drug addicted, little boy into our home over 6 years ago. And, maybe it's just me, but it doesn't get any easier with the passage of time.

One of these things is not like the others

2012-01-06T10:11:00.000-05:00

...In every single aspect of her life.

Quick recap of me--

Boyishly built, very short hair, three tattoos, wears primarily long skirts, has six children, adoptive Mother, fanatically liberal, attender of Southern Baptist churches.

In college I traveled to Quebec for the WEF protests with two friends. We woke up early and I stood on the balcony of my friend Babak's family apartment reading a devotional book. My friend Marina came out and said, "You care so much about justice, I can't believe you're a Christian." Maybe that's a stinging indictment on the American church but, for me, it was the first time that I realized I was going to live in two completely different worlds, simultaneously, for the rest of my life.

Too Baptist to be a good liberal, way too liberal to be a good Baptist. Too "hip" to be conservative, too conservative to be anything close to "hip."

Becoming a Mother complicated things even more. I joke that I could never send my kids to Christian school because I would have to homeschool them at night to teach them about evolution and equal rights. But instead I homeschool during the summer to teach them the Bible. I am so looking forward to a vacation that our family will take this spring with other large families. But in preparing I realized that I would need to buy long skirts for the girls so that they didn't look or feel out of place.

I have recently connected with a Mother who I feel I can learn so much from and yet I know that if I say certain things to her our friendship might end. With some friends I can talk about how much I love my IUD but not my desire to get it out and have more children. With other friends I will always find support and encouragement as I talk about my desires for a bigger family but would be called an abortionist if they knew I had an IUD.

My friends from school can't understand when I say that I desperately want to be at home with my children. My friends who stay at home often encourage me to stop school and stay home, not recognizing my need to fulfill my own dreams. Being an egalitarian who feels that God's call for her life might be to raise many children and encourage her husband in his career makes me an outcast in both circles.

When we were asked to leave or old church we were told that we should find "people more like us." I wish I could, oh, how I wish I could.

My expectations

2011-12-17T11:41:00.001-05:00

I love this story.

The Christmas Story

2011-12-14T14:15:00.000-05:00

(Found at JNNPR)

Conservative Panic

2011-12-07T13:42:00.001-05:00

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Why worry tomorrow when you can freak out today

2011-11-23T09:03:00.001-05:00

I have a habit of what I like to call "pre-worrying." Cognitive/behavioral theory would call it "catasrophizing." I would say it all boils down to..."Holy shit the world is going to explode in 7 million years and with technological advances it's totally a possibility that my kids or grandkids will be here and be incinerated! I should cry and fall apart now."

When I was pregnant with Pearl, and again in my pregnancy with Cecil, I had CONVINCED myself that I was going to miscarry. I can recognize now that I do this so that if I do miscarry I will not be hurt by it. It feels like a win/win because if I do, then I was right all along and if I don't then, well, awesome things are so.much.better. than I expected.

I have done this same thing with Larry in a frantic year long pre-worry spiral of "he's adopted so he will inevitably hate me" mania. (Thanks, in no small part, to every book ever written by an adult adoptee. Especially this one)

And I'm on year 4 of this same series of illogical thinking concerning school. Only this time I have proof that it's going to be awful. I have people all around me telling me that your last year of grad school, in the MSW program, is exhausting and awful and if you have kids you should just kiss them goodbye and tell them you'll see them next year. And so I've been doing some pre-experience freaking out over the last few months and I figure I will just continue with my crying and stressing straight through the end of next year.

The biggest thing right now is that I'll be gone three days a week and two nights a week and will have to hire a Nanny. Out of the work week, the Nanny will see Titus and Cecil more than I do. She'll play with them and sing to them and dance with them. She'll take Ty to Pre-K and take CC to the park. She'll get all the sweet smiles and hugs and cuddles that I'll be trading for unpaid work with an agency that is dealing with the repercussions of absent parents. UGH! My heart hurts when I think about it.

So maybe you, dear blog readers, can pray for me. Pray that we find the perfect Nanny and that it doesn't hurt my heart to see my babies love on her. That my internship will be exciting and school will be fulfilling and that my baby boys will expand their hearts to love not just Mommy but another lovely person who cares for them and about them.
(And, also, pray for our finances because Nannies don't come cheap!)

Stylin'

2011-11-21T10:27:00.001-05:00

Since I posted nearly a week of outfits I don't want to keep boring you guys with what I wear every day. From here on out I'll only post outfits that I really think are great for sharing.

And maybe I'll do a few series with one piece as many outfits, that sounds like it could be fun.A few of my skirts and even a few of my sweaters will be great to showcase as a staple in multiple styles.

Today's style--Church and Internship

2011-11-20T13:30:00.001-05:00

Sundays are two outfit days because I like to dress nicely for church but I have to come right home and change into my clothes for Mobile Crisis.

(I know these pictures are not the best quality) The dress is several years old but it is from Target and I paired it with a another skinny belt. To church I wore white patterened tights and my TOMS wrap boots but came home and took everything off in order to change into my Internship clothes.

Here's an example of an outfit I would wear to Mobile Crisis, Khaki pants and a black T-shirt. Tan socks and my brown TOMS. No wonder all of our elderly clients think I'm a little boy!

Today's style

2011-11-20T13:25:00.001-05:00

I needed an outfit that would be comfy for an early morning, two hour, drive back from Baltimore and able to take me to a conference and on a boat ride. This outfit had to preform!

The brown long sleeved shirt is super old and I'm pretty sure given to me by my friend Jenny, when her sister didn't want it anymore. The sleeveless top over it is from Target. The skirt is Old Navy and I'm wearing green tights and my brown TOMS. I did wear the same Light Give Heat necklace that I wore on date night but had taken it off before this picture. (In fact, I had taken everything off before this picture and changed into sweats but threw it back on so I could document this look.)

Today's style--Date Night!

2011-11-20T13:12:00.001-05:00

This is what I wore Friday during the day. In the morning I had to finish packing for the weekend, pack lunches and get everyone on the bus at 9 an d picked up from school at noon. I wanted to be comfy, warm and still stylish. I also needed something that I wouldn't mid sitting in my cramped passengers seat (the floor is full of dance bags and other randomness) for the two hour drive to Baltimore.

The sweater is JC Penney paired with one of my 3 skinny belts from Charlotte Russe. The skirt is thrifted and I wore my brown TOMS. I wore knee high, dark pink socks.

Date night warranted something little spunkier!

This is me ready to walk out the door. The coat is Mossimo from Target, really warm but light weight. The dress is from Old Navy. It's sleeveless and has a looser top than skirt so it's forgiving in the tummy area if you, like me, get puffy after you eat dinner. The tights are dark purple and from Target. And the shoes are my TOMS wrap boots. The necklace is Light Gives Heat.

You can't see in this picture but I had a magenta short sleeved sweater on over the dress just in case I was chilly at dinner or the concert.

Her's Chad and me at the Brett Dennen show and you can at least see the color of the sweater.

Brett Dennen Day

2011-11-18T09:40:00.001-05:00

We mustn't dwell... no, not today. We CAN'T. Not on BRETT DENNEN day!

(It's gonna be a good one, my own personal Rex Manning Day)

Today's style

2011-11-17T19:57:00.001-05:00

So today I would normally do housework and then head off to class at 7pm. I wanted an outfit that was going to be comfortable, functional and still stylish enough for school. The shirt is from Target, last year. I have one in grey too because they are just so soft and easy to pair with anything. The skirt is thrifted. The boots are from Payless but they are flats and so I can wear them to my internship, with Mobile Crisis. I wore patterned tights just to feel a little fun. The belt is from Charlotte Russe--it came in a three pack and I try to wear a skinny belt with most of my sweaters so that I don't look so much like a column.

Today's style

2011-11-16T20:20:00.001-05:00

Since I've switched over to wearing skirts 95% of the time now, I thought it would be nice to catalogue the new looks. Here's today...

Edited to add: The shirt is older and it was given to me by a friend. The black tank-top is kirkland brand from Costco; they make THE BEST tanks with a bralet. The skirt is at least 5 years old, but probably more, and it's from New York and Co. The boots are TOMS wrap boots. I love, love, love them but I wish they were a 1/2 size smaller (my TOMS shoes are 7's and they fit like socks! So these feel just a little roomy.) The necklace is one of the many I own from Light Gives Heat.

Femininity

2011-11-11T14:54:00.001-05:00

Since getting my haircut very short and getting back to my pre-pregnancy build it has become increasingly clear that I look like a little boy.

I weigh 100lbs. and my hips are non existent. I just make a straight line from my shoulders to the floor. I wear a non sized bra! The kind you buy in the little girls section. If it wasn't for the small amount of modesty padding that is added to these bras I would look even more like a 12 year old boy than I already do. And I have a super cute, super short haircut that is perfect for my facial features and busy life but also...makes me look like a little boy.

So about two months ago I decided that I wanted to feel feminine. I wanted to be able to get dressed in the morning and look like a girl. I wanted my husband to be proud to be seen with his thin, pretty, feminine wife not mistaken for the dad of a preteen boy (which never happened but probably only because I talk ALL. THE. TIME and my voice at least sounds gender appropriate.)

First, I went to Goodwill and bought about 10 knee and ankle length skirts first. I didn't really have any winter appropriate skirts and so I needed to stock up. Then I went to Target and bought a few pairs of tights and a few pairs of over the knee socks. Felling pretty set for winter I started making outfits around my new skirts each day and I was very satisfied with how I looked and how warm I was.

But last week I realized that I honestly did not have enough sweaters and long sleeved tops to make it through the whole winter. Back to Goodwill yesterday and now I am pretty sure that I have a perfect, feminine winter wardrobe.

I told Chad this morning how pretty I feel now and he agreed that I look very nice in my new skirts!

Apparently I like me a lot

2011-11-07T23:43:00.001-05:00

I just spent the last hour reading old Zanti blog posts. I'm pretty sure that makes me a narcissistic asshole but it certainly was a nice walk down memory lane. (And a quiet way to spend a very boring 11-o-clock hour at the completely uneventful internship.)

Why we eat like hippies

2011-11-06T14:42:00.001-05:00

When Larry was an infant and a toddler he suffered from repeated ear and sinus infections. He would get one, it would clear up from antibiotics and then within days he would have a new one. And honestly, mucus came out of everywhere. His mouth, his nose,his eyes, in his poop; it was awful. At one point we ended up at Hopkins because his pediatrician thought he could have Cystic Fibrosis and all I could think was, "why, on top of everything else, would this child get a genetic disorder?" His tests for CF came back negative and we ended up at an allergist.

Larry has always been Larry, intense, easily frustrated and often angry. I remember, at the time of the allergy appointment, one of my sister's friends said "She should cut out dairy, he'll be like a different kid." Lo and behold, Larry was allergic to dairy and eggs. We cut them out of his diet, his mucus disappeared and his behavior improved significantly. I figured that the behavior problem were related to the constant ear and sinus infections and since he was healing from those he was becoming a nicer boy to be around. After about 6 months the allergist said that Larry's allergies were so slight that we could probably add dairy and eggs back into our diet, and so we did. And Larry's behaviors began to creep back in.

But we didn't know to relate the two, we didn't think to take note that when we added dairy back into our diet Larry started to lose control of his behaviors again. And so we struggled along, we thought we would always live in a house where the stress levels were through the roof, we figured that one day we would have to medicate our son to keep him from raging out of control. This was how Larry's brain worked, we weren't going to be able to fix it.

Meanwhile, Holden can't get potty training figured out. I'm on the phone, with my Mother, crying, every day, about why my 4,5,6 year old is still having such a hard time not having accidents. Accidents at home, accidents on road trips, and at its worst, coming home from school each day in a different pair of pants.

And then Ty came home for the second time. And Ty was like Larry but angrier. And Chad and I were pretty sure that our life was destined to be one awful day after another. We were simply going to survive but no one was going to be able to thrive.

Can you imagine how exhausting survival mode is? To live like that every day was going to leave us worn down to nothing, I needed to try something.

In the summer of 2010 Larry saw a Psychiatrist who suggested that he might have FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) and we scheduled an appointment with the FAS clinic at Kennedy Krieger Institute. When we finally got our reports back we found out that Larry didn't qualify as having FAS because we have no firm evidence of prenatal alcohol exposure (I couldn't verify that his Birthmother did drink alcohol so therefor his symptoms could theoretically be from another disorder) but he does have characteristics in each of the other categories needed for a diagnosis. So he got diagnosed with some other titles and falls into the catagory of FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, meaning that he has the behaviors and features of someone who was prenatally exposed to alcohol).

And in my reading I discovered a Mother who was much farther along on her journey with FASD than I was. Over the winter and spring of 2010 she had gone gluten and casein free (GF/CF) and she was seeing significant behavior changes, for the better, in her children. I decided that this was the something I was going to try.

We went partially GF/CF in May of 2011. And we were completely GF/CF by June 1st, 2011. Things stayed the same for a while, I probably didn't see any change at all in the month of June. But everything I had read said that we had to do it for 3 months to really see the changes so we were going to stick it out.

By July Larry's rages were down from lasting an hour or more to lasting 20 minutes. It was like it had rained in my house for 5 years and withing a month I was seeing sunshine for the first time. By August we were down to typical 5 year old temper tantrums and a rainbow was filling up my sky. And Holden had stopped having bowel accidents! I was excited, but Chad was sure that the kids had just matured. It wasn't the diet, it was better parenting and older kids and I was just clinging to GF/CF because it made me feel like I was doing something. And I had to admit that maybe he was right. I didn't REALLY know that it was the GF/CF diet so maybe the kids had just grown up and we were seeing more mature kids, not kids who were healing from gluten and casein intolerance.

In September of 20ll Larry accidentally ate ranch dip at his birthday party. He banged his head on his carseat all the way home from the Baltimore zoo. He hadn't banged his head on anything since June! Chad agreed that the dairy had probably done it but he still wanted to test out the gluten.

A week later we added gluten back into our diet. Our house exploded. Larry went nuts, Holden pooped his pants three times in one week and Ty started doing things that I, honestly, hadn't even realized he had stopped dong. When your child is two, and stops a bad behavior you just assume that they have grown out of that. But when, as soon as you add gluten back into your diet, your 2 year old starts spitting on you, kicking you, throwing things across the room, it's pretty easy to realize that he probably has a gluten intolerance too!

And so we are GF/CF for the long haul now. And things aren't totally back to what we had this summer. Halloween candy has been making it hard to keep gluten and dairy out of their mouths. But we are working hard to clear all of the gluten and dairy out of our lives again and, I for one (but I'm pretty sure that Chad is on board now too!), am eagerly awaiting the return to Gf/CF behaviors!

Titus part 3 1/2

2011-11-03T08:55:00.001-05:00

(Earlier parts of the story are here)

When Ty came to live with us, that first time, God's fingerprints where all over it.

Each of my biological children are 18 months apart and yet as we tried and tried to conceive our 5th child we were unable. The biological children's birthdays up until that point had mirrored each other--Late July, Late Feb, Early August, we simply expected that our next baby would be born in early March. Each of my biological children come later and later but Tituses' birthmother has her children earlier and earlier. The miracle is that she conceived at just the time that I believed God would bring another child into our life.

It's frustrating and hard to know that when God could have healed her and preserved her family, He had other plans. He closed my womb and opened hers and yet knew who's family He would grow.

Yet God opened my womb just as Ty came to stay with us. His timing was perfect in that I could give my whole heart to this baby boy and yet not feel empty when he left to be with his birthmother. I could focus on nurturing the baby growing inside of my body as I was able to say goodbye to the one I had nurtured in my home. My heart didn't feel divided, it just felt full.

And while we lived and loved in our home, Ty's biological siblings were marking a time of rocky transition in their own. Moved from Mother to Father to Grandparent to Foster Parent all in the four months we had Ty. Though I may never know why God allowed that time for those children, I do know that God provided a respite, from trauma, for Ty. The original plan was for Ty to spend his days with a grandparent who was also caring for his siblings, but this grandparent felt overwhelmed by the needs of a four month old. So day care couldn't be arranged, I offered to babysit and Ty was permanently moved to our home, since I was a stay-at-home-Mother. God's hand in the details, offering protection.

Each foster care and adoption story is so different. Sometimes it takes some work to see how God worked in that situation. I know children who were moved away from loving foster families, sent out of the country to be with relatives they barely knew; children sent home to homes where they wouldn't be safe, kids allowed to age out of the system without the adoption they so deserved. But in Ty's case God's handiwork is all over the place. Each step only happening by a miracle, orchestrated by a God who desired to show himself, in a big way, in the story of a little boy.

Where is Thumbman?

2011-10-29T22:42:00.000-05:00

I frequently give people a thumbs up. In fact, it's not uncommon for me to dole out double thumbs up for even moderately good news.

There are a few possible ways to view this habit. One--I'm incredibly vintage in my use of hand signals and that makes me pretty awesome. Two--my hands are easily excited and who am I to tame such joy.

Or three--I'm a total dork.

18 months old

2011-10-28T21:42:00.001-05:00

My sweet baby Cecil turns 18 months old tomorrow. When Holden was 18 months old he was a big brother X2. I have such a hard time seeing Cecil as anything but an itty bitty little baby, it's so hard to imagine that we have often welcome new babies home at this time in our biggers lives.

Part of me still wishes for more sweet little newborn heads to kiss and little baby necks to nuzzle. But part of me is glad that Cecil gets to stay a baby for an extra long time; that he doesn't have to jump into the big brother role before he's done being a baby.

Rainy days

2011-10-19T12:27:00.000-05:00

It was raining when I woke up this morning. Sometimes I think that the weather affects my children (especially those with more complex personalities) in ways that I can neither describe nor really understand. Rain and humidity have always been triggers around here and so I should have known when the alarm was turned off and I could hear a downpour outside of my window, that today would be a certain kind of day.

When I got out of the shower Chad was carrying Ty back to bed. The morning was getting the redo button for the two year old. But even with a new start he never seemed to get it together.

Larry lost himself this morning. He can't wear his cowboy boots in the rain and he, apparently, hates every other pair of shoes he owns. He also knew that Pearl was headed to the orthodontist this morning and, I think, was expressing his stress about that in dramatic outbursts over fashion options. I refused to engage with him, told him I would be just as happy to send him to school barefoot as I would be to help him put on his shoes. When we decided on a pair of shoes he became very concerned that people would see his white socks. He cried until the bus pulled up. I assume that no one has mentioned his white socks and things are probably fine at school.

At the orthodontist Ty struggled, on and off, for the full hour and a half that we were there. His tantrums are off the charts and frequently include spitting. I do not like being spit on and I like it even less when 5 other parents in the waiting room are watching your two year old lose his mind and you know that, by that point, you just have to hold on tight because there is no going back. This morning he bit me so hard that i still have red rings of teeth marks on my arms, two hours later.

We came home, ate lunch and I got Ty, Cecil, and Delilah down for naps. Then I prayed. I told God that I wanted to be better at this whole Mothering thing. That I just couldn't keep it all together. And God spoke to me in that moment and said " I can keep it all together. Your job is to do my will. You will never be able to do it all, and the things you do will never be 100% right. But I can do it all, and that's what matters."

And in that moment I felt freed from the anxiety and the guilt of not having perfect children or being a perfect Mother. I was able to embrace my weakness and embrace God's ability to handle my situation. Even when it rains.

Year 6

2011-09-30T10:41:00.000-05:00

It's been a week and I've tried writing this once already and none of the words that I write here are half as good as you and so I have to delete them all because I need them to be big and bold and loud and handsome.

You,sir, are stunning. Just absolutely one of the lights of my life. This last summer we made some changes. Some new rules for the kids, some new rules for Mommy, some dietary changes and some homeschooling. You became the little boy who used to hide away inside the cranky, frustrated, sensory sensitive Larry. You let the charming, sweet, calm part of your personality shine through more and more each day.

Now that school has started you come home with "excellent" marked in your agenda each day. EXCELLENT! I honestly couldn't see that coming a year ago. I am SO VERY proud of you; I know that it's hard work.

I am sorry that it took us so long to be able to make this life easier for you. It's been minute to minute around here trying to figure out how to meet your needs and,honestly, I have failed way more often than I have succeeded. I wish I could have figured you out when you were a baby. I wish I could have made years 1-5 better for you. I'm so sorry I didn't know what you needed and I apologize in advance for all the times, to come, when I will fail to meet your needs. When I won't be able to figure you out, when I let you down or screw it all up.

I just want you to know that from the moment I met you, I have loved you with my whole heart. I have always wanted the very best for you even when I'm unable to give, even when I do it all wrong. I remember praying over you, as a baby, that God would heal you completely and I am seeing answers to my prayers.

Today you are a little boy who loves to run and jump and climb and drive around in his big wheel. You like cowboy boots and shorts, sweater vests and fedoras ( and who am I to tell you that you can't wear them all at the same time). You love to build things and take things apart.

You like trampolines, dance class, bike riding, and pools. You are a magnificent ball of energy until you drop, exhausted, into your bed at night. You have surfer hair and a perfect smile, a little model. My heart explodes when you hug me and tell me you love me.

You like to cuddle and you let me kiss your forehead as many times as I want (100,000x on a day when I'm just not that into giving kisses).I pray that God will continue to grow you into a boy of great faith and strength. That your energy will be channeled into amazing projects. You will change the world someday.

With all my heart, I Love You,
Mommy

100 years of style

2011-09-15T08:15:00.000-05:00

(Found at Charming the Birds From the Trees)

Why we like homeschool

2011-09-14T16:10:00.003-05:00

Today Pearl came home from school and was helping me clean up the living room. She stopped picking up and asked me
"Mom, when are we going to do homeschool?"

Me: Not until the summer, you guys spend enough time in school already.

Holden: I like homeschool better because we learn about Jesus.

(And my heart exploded)

Titus--Part 3

2011-09-14T09:10:00.005-05:00

(Check out the earlier parts of this story)

In July of 2009 Chad came home from a doctors appt. concerning fertility and I ran out of the house to greet him. In my hand was the last of maybe 20 pregnancy tests that I had taken since the start of our journey to conceive. This time it had two lines!

A week or so later an acquaintance from our local foster parent association sent out a facebook message asking if any of her fellow foster parents could watch her newest foster placement. I sent her an email back telling her that I was home all day every day and would be glad to have a baby around until she could get daycare worked out. It turned out that the baby's grandmother was supposed to watch him but didn't feel like she could handle a 4 month old on top of the two other small children that she had at home.

The next morning she dropped off the sweetest four month old baby I had seen in a long time. I gushed on facebook about how very cute he was. A few hours later our resource worker called and asked if I would be interested in being his foster mother. It was going to be too difficult and costly to find daycare for a 4 month old when he could just as easily stay in our care. I jumped at the chance. And little Ty joined our family.

The next day I went to drop off the things his previous foster mother had left with me for babysitting. I knew it would be awkward but I din't know just how very hurt she was. I tried to reassure her that this case was never going to go to adoption, that the baby was going home to his Mom in a few short weeks. But she was very sad and I never really spoke to her again. I have heard that she has been ill over the last year and I thank God that Ty wasn't in her home during those times. Looking back it is easy to see God's hand in moving this baby to our home but I still hurt for the other Mother's heart on that day.

Ty stayed with us from July until October that year. Just three months but we sure packed them full of fun. We were able to feed him his first solid food and take him to his first Big Glen Burnie Carnival(do you see how I grouped those two together in importance? You can take the girl out of Glen Burnie but you can't take the Glen Burnie out of the girl!) We filled the summer with beach and festival trips and enjoyed every minute with our family of five.

In September of 2009 I started Graduate school. I had applied because I was sure God wasn't going to bless us with anymore children so I thought I should get back into school. When I walked into my first class I was 2 months pregnant with my 5th baby and had a foster baby at home. (Sometimes it feels like God forgets to check his calendar before leading us in a certain direction!)

When October rolled around I spent my last few weeks with Ty buying him some nice clothes to go home to Mom and getting in some extra baby cuddles while he was still living with us. When the day came to send him home I didn't even cry. I was sure that If Mom could follow her plan, at the center they were going to, she and Ty would be just fine. It felt like such a success story. I was proud to be a part of a foster care system that was doing every thing right, doing what was in the very best interests of the child.

4 Years

2011-08-30T20:22:00.004-05:00

Delilah--

You turned 4 a few weeks ago. We went bowling and ate out at Chipotle and it was fabulous. I think you bowled a better game than I did and I took bowling in college!

These days you can do everything yourself. At least that's what you like to tell me but if I'm honest with myself it's mostly true. You are very suddenly capable of being one of the big kids and it would serve me well to back up a little and let you do your own thing. Even though your own thing often includes complaining of a stomach ache at the exact moment we need to clean up from a mess that you orchestrated.

You have more spunk than any four year old in the history of spunky four year olds. It's hard to put into words your personality, your spirit; it's hard to describe how you dive into the day and take on everything as if each moment was made just for you.

You live without doubt, totally free of inhibitions or concerns. I have been known to call you spacey but really you just inhabit a section of the universe that does not rely on others to make you happy. You play by yourself with all the gusto of a girl entertaining a party full of friends. Each day at nap time I listen to you chatter on in your room for hours until you fall asleep out of sheer word exhaustion.

God gave you to me as a wonderful gift. You are the free spirit I have always longed to be. You will grow to serve the Lord without fear.

I love you very much,

Mommy

First Day of School

2011-08-29T13:47:00.006-05:00

When Holden left for Pre-K I was pretty sure that my heart was going to explode. I guess that's how it goes with the first born. It really wasn't so bad when Pearl and Larry went to public school, they had been in Pre-k for two years before that and they were only gone 1/2 of the day. Plus, I still had three kids at home with me most days, so it's not like it was ever quiet around here.

Today it is quiet. Delilah went to afternoon Pre-K today (I got her switched to the morning today, so when she goes back on Friday it will be in the AM with the big kids) and the rest of the big 4 have been at school all day. Now the babies are down for a nap and the house is completely silent.

I think all of this quiet is giving my heart time to ache. I miss them (even though I swore I wouldn't, even though I needed a break from all the crazy around this place with 6 kids 7 and under!) A LOT.

But that's how it is with people--they get older. And when they are little they get bigger, and it all happens much too fast.

I know they're having the very best time ever. Pearl and Larry's teacher seems amazing, Delilah's teacher seems very nice too. I didn't get to meet Holden's teacher but I'm sure she is lovely all the same. So maybe I'll try to enjoy the quiet. Or maybe, just for today, I'll be sad and cry a little, since no one is here to see me.

Posts

2011-08-29T09:21:00.003-05:00

I know, I know... I have to finish the Titus series, and Delilah needs a birthday letter. I have to post something about the first day of school and I really just want to recap the summer (It's been a busy one). I want to talk about school for me and I want to update on everything that each kids is into.

I will get to all of these things--today, or tomorrow, or, well, soon!

In the Beginning--EVERYTHING

2011-08-25T09:39:00.002-05:00

(Found at JNNPR)

2011-08-24T12:10:00.002-05:00

This blew my mind. I think this is typical of the experiences so many of my friends with differently abled children have had with schools.

Original Article

School Culture

If you have run into a "brick wall" of resistance when you tried to obtain changes in your child’s educational program, you need to understand how schools really work. You need to learn about "school culture" and the beliefs held by many educators, school psychologists, administrators, and guidance counselors.

Dr. Galen Alessi, Professor of Psychology at Western Michigan University, conducted a fascinating study on school psychologists. Dr. Alessi’s study illustrates why so many parents have problems dealing with schools. Dr. Alessi’s article is "Diagnosis Diagnosed: A Systemic Reaction" published in Professional School Psychology, 3(2), 145-151.

The primary role of the school psychologist is to evaluate children to determine the reasons for learning and behavior problems. According to Dr. Alessi, when a child has trouble learning or behaving in school, the source of the child's problem can usually be traced to one or more of five causes.

First, the child may be misplaced in the curriculum, or the curriculum may include faulty teaching routines.

Second, the teacher may not be implementing effective teaching and/or behavioral management practices.

Third, the principal and/or other school administrators may not be implementing effective school management practices.

Fourth, the parents may not be providing the home-based support necessary for effective learning.

Fifth, the child may have physical and/or psychological problems that contribute to learning problems.

School psychologists from different areas of the country were interviewed and asked to complete an informal survey. The school psychologists were asked if they agreed that the five factors listed above play a "primary role in a given school learning or behavior problem." (Page 148) The school psychologists agreed that these factors, alone or together, played a significant role in children’s learning problems.

The school psychologists were surveyed about the number of children they evaluated during the past year for learning problems. The average number was about 120 cases (or kids). These numbers were rounded to 100 cases for each of the 50 psychologists for a total of 5,000 cases.

Alessi asked these psychologists how many reports they wrote in which they concluded that the child’s learning problem was mainly due to curriculum factors. "The answer was usually none. All cases out of the 5,000 examined confirmed that their schools somehow had been fortunate enough to have adopted only the most effective basal curricula." (Page 148)

Next, he asked how many reports concluded that the referring problem was due primarily to inappropriate teaching practices. "The answer also was none. All cases out of the 5,000 examined proved that their districts had been fortunate enough to have hired only the most skilled, dedicated, and best prepared teachers in the land." (Page 149)

Then, he asked the psychologists how many of their reports found that the problem was due mainly to faulty school administrative factors. "The answer again was none. All cases out of 5,000 examined demonstrated that their districts had hired and retained only the nation’s very best and brightest school administrators." (Page 149)

When asked how many reports concluded that parent and home factors were primarily responsible, the answer ranged from 500 to 1,000 (10% to 20%). These positive findings indicated that we were finally getting close to the source of educational problems in schools. Some children just don't have parents who are smart, competent, or properly motivated to help their children do well in school.

Finally, I asked how many reports concluded that child factors were primarily responsible for the referred problem. The answer was 100%. These 5,000 positive findings uncovered the true weak link in the educational process in these districts: the children themselves.

If only these districts had better functioning children with a few more supportive parents, there would be no educational difficulties. (Page 149)

(Found at Coffee Catharsis)

Sweet Larry

2011-08-23T20:37:00.003-05:00

I want to celebrate Larry today. We have had 4 good days! FOUR SOLID DAYS OF GOOD BEHAVIOR! He has been polite and no more difficult than a typical 5 year old. He has taken time outs without a fight and has not raged. NOT EVEN ONCE!

I am so hopeful today. The future looks so bright from here.

I can't say for sure whether our diet changes have made the difference, or he has just matured, or I've changed my parenting, or he's working harder. Or maybe it's a combination of everything. But whatever it is, I am praising God for it.

Listener

2011-08-18T07:41:00.002-05:00

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

(Found at SCL)

Year 7

2011-08-08T12:15:00.008-05:00

Holden-

It's getting harder as you get older to write something that really tells the story of who who you are. Each year I find that I'm just putting down the basics so that I will remember them. But I find myself unable to get to the marrow of who you are, who you are growing to be.

I want to remember how often you cuddle up next to me or surprise me with a hug. But I want you to know that I see how much those moments mean to you, how you feel my love when we hug. And I know that when I pull away too fast or reprimand you when you hug me while I'm nursing the baby, it hurts your soul. I'm so sorry that I don't love hugs and cuddles the way you do. I want to be just the Mother that you need even when I'm tired or cranky or out of my comfort zone.

You're really good at video games. Like REALLY good. That makes your Dad happy and leaves me confused. But I love to see you and Daddy play games after the little kids have gone to bed and enjoy that special Father/Son time together. You remind me of your Dad, quiet and strong; sturdy and steady. You are quick to cry but not prone to the dramatics of your Mother or sisters(or Larry or Ty). You are so reliable and hardworking sometimes I forget that you are just a little boy.

You are such an amazing playmate for your brothers and sisters. Leading when they need you to be big, following their lead when they need to feel in charge. There are days when I wonder if all of your siblings are making life hard on you. The days when behavioral issues determine whether we can leave the house; the days when I think how nice it would be for you to get away from the craziness that disabilities and disorders bring to our family. But when I see you play with children at the park who are different, who have visible disabilities or who have struggles like your brother, I know that you are becoming the type of boy every Mother prays for. You empathize with kids who are different but you never pity them. You understand that some kids have brains or bodies that work differently than yours and you are gracious and loving. Your life may never be typical and for that I am both terribly sorry and forever grateful.

I Love you in a way that I'll never be able to put into words. So I'll just have to hug you more.

A Thank You

2011-07-26T08:13:00.004-05:00

I just cried over a blog. And not because some sweet or sad story was posted but because this blog is going away (for a short while, I hope).

About a year ago I joined a web forum for foster and adoptive parents. It's not always the best place to be, as mostly people post when things are going poorly, but there are amazing moments of joy and great support on that board. One of the things I was blessed with from that forum was the address for Kari's blog. I started reading and couldn't stop.

It's easy to feel completely alone when you are parenting children who struggle. It's so easy to feel like you are failing and will lose them to their difficulties. Kari helped me see that I wasn't alone and that even when I had to crawl under the table and cry, I wasn't failing. She provided me with links and book recommendations, information that I wouldn't have known to look for. Her family's journey on the GF/CF diet encouraged our family to try this one more thing in hopes of affording us some freedom from the rages and mania.

So today when she said that she needed a break (and, believe me, I am intimately familiar with needing a break!) I started to cry. I wish I could sit down with her and tell her how much her words have made a difference in my relationship with my son. How I think she had a hand in helping get us through another difficult time in our parenting journey. How blessed I feel to have had her working so hard to educate and support Mothers like me.

Help end child sex trafficking

2011-07-18T10:57:00.001-05:00

Please watch The Candy Shop and visit Stop The Candy Shop to see how you can help.

Titus-Part two

2011-07-14T21:49:00.007-05:00

(Check out Part 1)

By 2008 Chad and I had become very good at three things--leaving churches, moving and having babies. We were on our 4th church since 2003 (all of them left under perfectly normal circumstances--joining a church plant, moving, and finding something closer to home, respectively), our 4th house (apartment in the ghetto, house in the ghetto, The Rental {AKA-The winter of my discontent}, and the house that love built {Well love, Jake Bechard, Taneytown Baptist youth, and Chad Stewart}, and our 4th baby (in order of appearance-Holden, Larry, Pearl and Delilah).

And I suppose that by 2008 the Universe was done with all the change in our lives. We were settled at a church, planning on staying at our house until we grew old and completely incapable of conceiving or fostering another baby.

Chad and I had assumed that we were simply fertile people. If we thought that having a baby was a good idea we could expect to get pregnant. So when Delilah was born, and we knew that we wanted to add one more child to our family, we figured we would be expecting by June of 2008 with a new baby here in Feb/March of 2009. That's how it had always worked for us (Holden was born on July 27th, Pearl was born 18 months later on Feb 25th and 17 months after that Delilah joined us on August 9th--2 weeks after her due date of July 28th) and we had no reason to believe that anything had changed.

My sister told me that she was going to try for a second baby and I was very excited that we would be pregnant at the same time. And my friend Melissa found out that she was expecting just a few months before I intended to get pregnant again so I was looking forward to having a close by friend with a baby near the same age as mine.

Chad and I began trying to conceive in June of 2008. Things did not go as planned.

When what was supposed to take just one month turned into two months, then 5 months then 9 months I was more than a little frustrated. How could the girl who got pregnant with her very first egg after nursing Pearl end up unable to conceive. The midwives wouldn't even discuss it with me because I was under 30 and had conceived 3 times before--I needed to wait until I had been trying for a year.

And DSS had us on hold because there were plenty of families waiting for their first child. No need to indulge the couple wanting to add a 5th. In December of 2008 I called our social worker and let her know that we would take girls up to the age of 16.

I also decided that since we obviously were not going to have any more young children that I would go back to school for my Masters.

I started a prerequisite statistics class in January of 2009.

Unbeknownst to me a baby boy was born on February 18th, 2009 in the hospital just down the road (you weren't sure this story was ever going to get around to actually being about him, were you?!)

A week before Easter we were placed with Ariel.

Ariel moved home in June (but she did stick around for the next year, at the house about 5 days a week until she graduated high school).

Things were still not going well on the pregnancy front

In early June we were told by fertility specialists that our only chances of conceiving would be IVF. We knew that with 4 kids and a 16 year old at the house most of the time we couldn't possibly justify the time and expense. It just wasn't meant to be.

Titus-part one

2011-07-14T08:13:00.004-05:00

(I can't say for sure how many parts this will end up being, it was a long journey to get here.)

I guess the amazing thing about any story is that it never starts at the beginning. They start way before you know that a particular story is unfolding and often you're in the middle of it before you knew this was a new story at all. And the story of how Titus Samuel Stewart came to be is just like that. I think the story begins with an accidental pregnancy--on my part.

When Pearl was about 11 months old I came down with the flu. It was awful and I was miserable. I had three very small children at home and Chad was working all day at his job and then all night on the new house. I simply did not have the time to be nauseous and tired. At one point I said to my sister "I feel exactly like I do when I'm pregnant, why do women ever have babies if they are just going to make us feel like we have the flu." Turns out it wasn't the flu.

I was not a happy camper. I had intended to have two children and then stop for a while not have 3 or 4 very small children clamoring for my attention all the time. I was positive that I was not going to be able to do it. But, I grew to not only accept another child but embrace my pregnancy and my new life. Delilah was born in August of 2007 and Larry was adopted in November of that same year. And now I was the mother of four children all under the age of 4.

I decided to become a full time Stay-at-home-Mom (up until this point I had worked part time) and I figured that since we had officially tipped the scales in favor of having a large family we should go ahead and have one more baby.

That having one more baby thing, well that's where the story gets interesting...

2 quick things

2011-07-11T20:07:00.002-05:00

I know I'm sensitive about adoption related comments. I know that people don't think before they talk and that things come out of my own mouth the wrong way all the time.

But here are two things you should just never say:

"I'm not adopting because I want a child, but because God tells us to take care of orphans."

I get what you mean. I know you meant that this isn't all about you and your desires but about bigger things, God things. But did you see what you said there? You said you don't really care about this child. Please don't ever say this to your child and please don't ever post it in a public forum where your child could one day see it.

"Women don't realize how proud they should be that they have conceived a child of their own."

I know what you meant too. You meant don't put down the way you look as a pregnant woman, embrace the beautiful ways pregnancy changes your body. But what you said, what came out, suggested that women who don't conceive their children should not be proud. It sounds like shaming. Please don't say that ever again or write it in a public forum where adoptive parents could one day see it.

On trauma

2011-06-30T09:19:00.003-05:00

When Chad and I first became foster parents we were young and incredibly naive. We, along with most everyone who gets into foster care or adoption, believed that with enough love we could help any child who entered our home have a perfectly normal childhood.

We knew nothing about trauma.

I remember picking up a beautiful bald, blue eyed baby from the hospital and thinking "We are so lucky to be blessed with a baby whose only problem was drug addiction at birth. The worst is behind him." But it wasn't. And a whole new world opened up to me, one that most Mothers will never see and one that some days I don't think I'm qualified for.

While we can not seem to get a full diagnosis for our son we believe that he suffers from FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder) and we know that he lives with the effects of in utero drug exposure. That is a traumatic way to begin a life. Previous to loving and raising a child who was primarily harmed before he was born I had never thought much about just how much the uterine environment affects a child. Now I think about it pretty much every day.

We also know that he spent his first 7 weeks in the hospital with a rotating staff of nurses caring for him. We know that his birthmother and birthfather only stopped in a few time and that he had no consistency in his caregivers. That is traumatic.

And we know that DSS gave his birth parents two full years to get their lives together while forcing this little boy to be dropped of at a prison once a month for an hour with a woman he didn't know (while I was not even allowed to step past the door.) Trauma once more.

There is a perfect little boy who was traumatized again and again and again by the circumstances of his life, and today he acts like it. He is impulsive and sensory driven. He struggles with appropriate attachments and behaviors toward female caregivers (me in particular). He is often angry.

Every way that we try to control his behaviors has failed to varying degrees. Charts, time ins, time outs, attachment parenting, strict discipline, gluten free/casein free, talking, ignoring. And when everything fails you, as the parent, feel like you have failed. And people who don't know you, or your child, look at you like you have failed.

Trauma affects the brain. It changes the way a person thinks and reacts. My trauma affected children will suffer the repercussions of those traumas their entire lives. And so will their siblings. And so will their parents.

Accountable Kids

2011-06-24T13:27:00.006-05:00

Chores were not getting done in the Stewart house and I was starting to scream...A LOT. And let's be frank, no Mommy likes screaming at her kids to pick up their toys, or put their dishes in the sink, or get in the tub, or get dressed, or...,or...,or... I was beginning to dread dealing with the micro management required to keep a family with six small children functioning from day to day. Add to that my two children who are not very good listeners (also known as naughty) and you have a Mommy who was just down right exhausted by the whole idea of running a household.

So obviously something needed to change and I was lucky enough to stumble across the website for Accountable Kids over on Fosterparents.com one day. I was very excited by what I could see of the program online and quickly talked Chad into letting me buy four kits for the oldest 4 children.

When the program arrived I was even more excited by how thorough the Accountable Kids book is. I spent a week reading and rereading (and reading aloud to Chad over dinner at our favorite Indian restaurant) the book so that I could implement the program in just the right way.

We started with a thorough list of chores so that our morning, afternoon and evenings could be broken down into very simple steps for each child to follow. These were designated by reminder cards that hang on the kids boards in the dining room. As the day progressed the kids would move the cards representing completed chores to the peg showing completion and they could easily see what was required of them next. We have since been able to combine many of the cards into one card that says "Morning" and one that says "Evening". As each section of our day (morning, afternoon, and evening) came to an end each child would receive a ticket that could be used for free time activities.

Our free time activities were tailored around activities that I knew the kids enjoyed and would work for. We choose one ticket for an hour of outside time, one ticket for a 1/2 hour of TV or one ticket for 45mins on the x-box. Playing with barbies or coloring was always available as long as your chores were completed.

After a few days with just the core chores and tickets as rewards I introduced Best Behavior Cards. I would give these out whenever I saw someone going above and beyond what was needed or helping a sibling before they had to be asked. For the first few weeks we had a best behavior basket and at the end of the week we would put each child's name in a hat as many times as they had Best Behavior Cards. The more cards you had the better your chances of winning the drawing for a prize from the basket. However Holden won two weeks in a row and it was very difficult for us to explain to the other children the concept of chance. So after a few weeks filled with tears we decided to switch up our reward system. Now, once a child has more than 5 Best Behavior cards they can pick a fun activity for the entire family to participate in.This seems more fair and is working out nicely.

We recently added Privilege Passes and Date Cards. You can earn a Privilege Pass for eliminating a disruptive behavior. Pearl is working on not asking the same question over and over again, even after an answer has been given. So if by dinner she has not pestered me with repeated questions she can earn a Privilege Pass and turn it in at the end of the night for 15 minutes of extra awake time.

The children are also working towards earning dates with me and Chad. Each day that they complete all of their chores and earn all three tickets (even if they subsequently lose the ticket for misbehavior) they can earn a star on their chart. Holden and Pearl are only two days away from their first dates. Delilah has a few more days because she needs constant reminders to do her chores and often doesn't earn a morning ticket. And Larry, well, Larry has no stars but is on track to earn one today!

Soon we will add in paid chores and the children will be able to do extra chores to earn a little saving and spending money. We just aren't quite there yet with our little ones.

Pearl and Holden took to the program immediately and have worked hard and followed the rules ever since. It has been wonderful to have a way to structure their day and reward them for completing the necessary chores to make this household run. Delilah is a bit of a daydreamer and wanderer and so has had a more difficult time managing her own completion of chores. But it does feel like as she matures this program will really help her stay on task and complete basic chores without my constant reminders.

Larry has had a much more difficult time with the Accountable Kids program. Because of his impulse control issues and his attention difficulties he has a hard time completing his core chores. He also loses the tickets that he does earn almost immediately. For Larry I have given him more leeway with multiple warnings before taking away a ticket but he still struggles to place real value on the tickets. He has recently been spending a lot of time with Mommy and has sadly missed out on a lot of playing. Some days I let him play without tickets simply because he needs a break from all of the expectations that a typical child could handle with little difficulty. I really want him to succeed and so we are working really hard to get Larry to invest more in the program. As with everything, it's just a little harder when you add other issues on top of what a typical 5 year old would struggle with.

I have really been very happy with the way the Accountable Kids program has structured our days and with how quickly chores get completed now without my pestering. For typical kids I would give the program a 5 out of 5 stars!

With a kid like Larry it is a program that could be very successful with A LOT of work. I like that he can see his chores and see the possibility for rewards if they are completed. However he has a hard time understanding the concept of future time and therefor future rewards are difficult for him to invest in. For a kid with his struggles I would give the program 3 out of 5 stars.

If you are looking for a way to make chores work in your house and structure your day in a kid friendly way I would highly recommend Accountable Kids. It's working for us!

More than he bargained for

2011-06-22T21:56:00.006-05:00

Chad didn't want a lot of biological kids and he made clear when we became foster parents that he was not ever going to adopt. He was none too thrilled when 6 months into our marriage I was pregnant with our first child.

But that first baby wooed him with long eyelashes and little baby monkey hugs.

By my 6 week postpartum checkup we were asking when we could try to have another.

When Larry came into our lives at 7 weeks old I was heavily pregnant with Ms. Pearl, so Chad was this new little baby's primary nighttime caregiver. Until Larry was just over a year old, and stopped taking nighttime bottles, Chad was the one who warmed his bottles and rocked him to sleep, while I nursed baby Pearl through the night.

He was my midwife with our dear Pearl and my companion and support when we were surprised by my pregnancy with sweet Delilah.

When Titus joined our family he insisted that we would not adopt him and yet he gave his heart to that little boy who would leave us in a few short months. With insistence, again, that we would not adopt this child he welcomed the toddler Ty back into our home as he was preparing this home for our long anticipated Cecil. A year later he stayed up late on his birthday to make T-shirts to celebrate the adoption of his 6th child.

This man, who never wanted a lot of kids, spent his birthday night watching a movie with 9 children, under the age of 6, so that I could enjoy a night out. He drives his children to and from dance class, walks his oldest son to baseball and cheers him on while tending to the little ones.

Chad may get out of the house and work during the day but he comes home and is the most caring and present Dad any kid could ever ask for. As I work my way through my Masters program Chad gladly handles the kids at night. He encourages me and supports me in my studies, while working the night shift in this house.

I know that this life, this crazy, busy, kid filled life, is more than he bargained for. But I also know he wouldn't trade it. And for that, and all the other pieces that go into him being an amazing husband and an even more amazing Dad, I hope he knows how thankful I am. And how much he is loved by all of us.

Dancing

2011-06-21T07:49:00.007-05:00

This year we had three dancers in the recital and each one of them did REALLY well. Pearl is such a studious dancer, each move just right if lacking a little spunk. Delilah was adorable and really knew her dance well. She was a little distracted once she was on the big stage but a sweet ballerina all the same. And Holden...well, Holden just blew us away.

I was a nervous wreck before this years dance show because I just wasn't sure that Holden was being serious enough about the recital. He kept telling me that he couldn't remember his dances and I was afraid that he would get up there and flake out in front of a few 100 people. But he killed it! Danced his heart out and kept pace with boys who have been dancing much longer than he has.

I was really proud of all the hard work the kids put out over this year!

Here's some pictures from the weekend in May

A post about posting

2011-06-18T07:59:00.004-05:00

So much has been going on around here! I really need to do a post on Ty's adoption and I want to say a little something about inching up on the big 3-0. Plus a Father's day post is in order and I want to talk a little bit about how homeschool is panning out.

I'll get to all of that this week, I promise. I'm going to start posting a little more regularly--I've been letting facebook and twitter get in the way of this space as the keeper of my thoughts and pictures. But the blog is more organized and easier to look back through so I'm going to be bringing my thoughts here more often.

For now here's Delilah doing a duck face

Cream together

2011-06-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

Hilarity

(found @dooce)

2011-06-06T11:59:00.001-05:00

Pearly whites

2011-06-03T09:01:00.003-05:00

Pearl lost her first tooth yesterday! It had been loose for nearly a month but she was just NOT OK with me pulling that darn wiggle thing from her mouth. So when we went for the kids teeth cleaning yesterday I asked the dentist to pull it out for us. He said it basically fell out when he brushed her teeth but he did do one tiny pull and she had a tooth in her hand.

The resulting gap in her teeth (I'll post a picture later today) if much larger than I would have expected for such a tiny tooth. And the tooth next to the gap is wiggly now too so pretty soon she'll have a huge space.

The dentist says she needs an appliance and the only Orthodontist covered by our insurance comes with some pretty horrifying reviews. So we'll be paying out of pocket to get the girl a spacer. Hopefully the room that it creates in her mouth will help us cut down on the cost of braces in the long run.

But for now she is cute and gap toothed ( and 5 gold coins richer after a visit from the tooth fairy last night).

The War on Drugs

2011-06-02T09:06:00.002-05:00

I can't seem to get this news story out of my head.

I get the premise and I understand the need for change in certain policies. I've been aware of the racial discrepancies in crack/cocaine sentencing and I'm for the legalization of marijuana. But I'm also the Mother of a child born addicted to drugs and another child who was very likely exposed in utero.

So while I get the need for reform and I can understand the libertarian argument that legalizing drugs will not drive new users towards them. I wonder how we will keep children safe. We can't and don't protect children from their Mothers when they abuse alcohol during pregnancy, so will we have to drop our protection of children from heroin, cocaine and meth.

Our family knows all too well that a parent can test positive for heavy drugs and not have a child removed from their care. That using is not a crime as long as you don't possess the drug. But a newborn can be removed if he/she tests positive at birth. Will new drug regulations remove this possibility. Will DSS be forced to send sick and struggling children home from the hospital with drug users? Will children stay in homes with drugs until they are grossly abused or neglected?

I worry for the sake of kids like Larry. So maybe the war on Drugs has failed but I know that the policy that brought Larry out of his birth family because of prenatal drug exposure was a good one. And I have yet to hear or read a story about how many children would be hurt by a change in drug policy.

Growing up

2011-05-24T14:10:00.002-05:00

Miss Delilah Mae graduated from Nursery school a few weeks ago. She did such a great job this year and is writing her name like a champ. Her end of the year award was for "Most Expressive;" I think that stands for "Has a hard time keeping her tongue in her mouth when she is thinking."

I wish Rachel Held Evans would sit down with me over coffee

2011-05-10T14:37:00.004-05:00

This is why I got kicked out of church. It's so good to hear that I'm not the only person who has been here.

Unity

2011-05-08T15:18:00.002-05:00

Chad and I were recently asked to leave our church...by email. We had attended this church for almost 7 years, Chad was part-time staff.

Over that period of time I searched my soul, read books, talked to other Christians, and my faith changed. My faith evolved, I gave up a lot of the fear that had held me to Christianity, I began to love myself the way God loves me.

In that process I stopped singing love songs to Jesus because for many dark months they just felt like lies. Sometimes I couldn't even bring myself to stand up during the song singing part of worship because it all felt so false. I was in a place where the more I thought about God the more I thought He couldn't possibly exist. I would stop myself in the middle of prayers and think "Why are you doing this? Who are you talking to?"

I shared my thoughts with a few close friends...my pastor found out. He asked Chad to leave his staff position because I was doubting my faith. I emailed him asking how that was fair to Chad--he asked us to find a new church. He said that I didn't believe enough of what he preached; we would be better of with people more like us.

I feel like I'm close the other side of my dark period. I have realized that doubt isn't bad. I have also come to see that believing different things is OK. Really--IT'S OK!

Our old pastor wasn't right. Finding people more like us just builds walls around us and our beliefs. I'm at a place where I feel more like building bridges.

Rachel Held Evans Just had a "Rally to Restore Unity." I have LOVED the signs people have posted over at her site and on their own blogs.

I wish things had ended differently for my family at our old church. I wish I had been more accepting of our old pastor's beliefs that were different from mine. I wish he had been more accepting of my beliefs that were different from his. I wish we had all acted like Christians. I wish we had been more unified.

1 year

2011-05-08T12:06:00.004-05:00

Cecil Jay Allen--

Oh my little man! I do Love you so very much. Maybe to the point of bursting. I love your perfect baby smell, your chubby baby cheeks, the way you look like a bird when you smile. I love your giggles and squeals, the way you say Mama and Uh-oh, your heart shaped baby lips.

When you want me you put both arms straight out like a zombie. When you get excited your whole body shakes. You eat SO MUCH, you pack away more than a boy twice your size.

Your hair is still so blonde and your eyes are still bright blue. I think you look like Larry ;)You have 8 perfect white teeth.

You are so used to noise and commotion that you hardly fuss when someone tackles you, moves you from place to place, or accidentally (or on purpose--I'm looking at you Ty) whacks you with something.

You can stand by yourself, climb up the stairs and take a few steps if you're in the mood.

You like to sing, play with cars and trains and be held all day. You reach up for my lips and nose when you nurse.

I am so crazy in love with you. So smitten. So blown away by your awesomeness.

Thank you for being a part of our family.

May God guide your days. May you always seek after Him with all of who you are.

I Love You. Happy (belated) 1st birthday!

Mama

Sales pitch

2011-04-10T13:19:00.002-05:00

I'm selling books to raise money for the Wicomico County Foster Parent Association.

Please check out Barefoot Books and decide on what you want to buy!

The books must be ordered through me for the Association to get 50% of the profits so just leave me a comment if you want to order and I'll connect with you about the details!

Orders are due no later than 5pm on Thursday April 14th.

So buy some books and make a big difference for the Wicomico and Somerset Counties Foster parent Association!

When they're perfect and you're not

2011-04-09T16:18:00.005-05:00

When I was pregnant with Holden I prayed and prayed that he would just be smart. I didn't need a handsome child or an athlete. He could have been socially awkward and I wouldn't have minded a bit.

I was never pretty or good at much of anything. I was awful at sports and mediocre at dance. I loved theatre but was simply not that talented. But learning came easy to me. I didn't have to try and I didn't have to work hard to succeed.

So I knew I could relate to my child if he was just a smart kid.

As my children enter school I am becoming more and more aware that they are handsome/stunningly beautiful and good at sports and not the least bit awkward in any way. And they are also of average intelligence.

And I hate to admit it but I struggle with this. I do. I struggle to understand them and teach them and motivate them. I struggle not to get angry when they don't know the things that I think they should.

Since I think so highly of academia and believe that it's important to study and learn I struggle with my children's lack of excellence in their studies. I am frustrated by my own lack of empathy toward them as they struggle with things that came easy for me.

I recently called someone out for not seeking higher education in a career that I felt deserved further study. A mutual friend then pointed out that she did not have a degree and her children were excelling in school while, even though I had one, mine were not. And as much as I wanted to blow that comment off it poked so rawly at my weakness as a Mother that I could not.

This post isn't about my children, it's about me and the things that I lack. My messed up attitudes and expectations. My desire to have my children be like me. My arrogance.

I hope I can let go of my struggles with who my children aren't. I hope that my children see how much I love who they are.

Must read

2011-04-04T19:39:00.001-05:00

As I look forward from 5 years old I will use this as a guide--

The 12 year old girl

Very Belated Birthday Letter

2011-04-04T09:08:00.006-05:00

So Pearl,

You turned 5 well over a month ago now and I'm just getting around to writing your birthday letter. This may unfortunately be a sign of sad times to come. You and Delilah are sandwiched in between too many boys and it's sometimes all to easy to put off my sweet middle girls.

I mostly want to tell you that I like you a whole lot. You have recently become quite sassy and it suits you so well that I can't even be frustrated by it. You're a hands-on-your-hips, Tell-it-like-it-is kind of momma and I like it. I think being best-friends with Larry has turned you into quite the little boss (that coupled with your natural 90-year old woman disposition) and you wear that personality well.

I would say that out of everyone you act the most like me (which I can only assume means that you will be a horrible teenager but I will pretend like that isn't where this is all headed)! You have my anxiety, my sass, my spunk and my style. Unfortunately you appear to prefer Fox news to NPR but you seem incredibly tolerant of Larry's budding interest in dresses and your Mother's pro-union rants.

If you have to be a Republican at least you'll make up for it by being adorable. You have already started flirting (all though not very subtly) and it cracks me up. Last week you LOUDLY proclaimed that you found our waiter at Friendly's "cute." Here's hoping you tone down your style a bit in the future.

I am so happy to be your Mom. May you always shout out the answers in Sunday school just the way you do now and may you always pray with the honesty (and brevity) that you approach dinner blessings. I pray that the Lord brings you to his feet and that you stay there. I pray that your spunk and spirit are used to Love God and Love people.

Here's to the rest of year 5, Little Momma!

I Love you,
Mom

The letter is coming

2011-03-27T19:24:00.001-05:00

I'm well over a month late on a happy birthday for Pearl. I have not forgotten. It will happen this week!

Dancing in the Minefields

2011-03-16T11:24:00.002-05:00

A little less than a month from now Chad and I will celebrate 8 amazing years together. It's been a whirlwind from the moment it started and it hasn't slowed down yet.

When we got married everyone told us we were much too young (just 20 and 22) and everyone said there was no way we would last.

I heard this song today and I wondered if it was written for us.

I Love my life with you Chad Stewart!

Turning two

2011-03-03T10:28:00.004-05:00

I like to wait as long as I possibly can before doing birthday posts anymore, but I think that I have now officially entered the realm of "very good chance it will never get done."

So here goes:

Titus Samuel,

We are quite smitten with you and your ridiculous good looks. Sometimes people tell me that out of all of the kids you look the most like me. That makes me laugh...a lot.

You certainly have being two years old down pat. You are funny and busy and smart as a whip. And you are ornery and stinky and don't like your car seat.You still wear super cute cloth diapers and waddle because they are so bulky--this makes you charming in a way that can't really be explained.

You think your Dad is hilarious and you do not like it when anyone else gets you out of bed in the morning. He will carry you from room to room as you wave, Miss America style, to every person you pass. Sometimes you say "Good Morning" but mostly you grunt and squint your eyes while waving away at your fans.

You, like your charming brother Larry, will raid the refrigerator any chance you get. Lately your foods of choice are bagels and cheese but I'll catch you with yogurt or jello when the opportunity presents itself. And just like every Stewart child you can eat and eat and yet you remain short and skinny--it seems that we just can't bulk you guys up.

You Love going in and out of places (probably because of your disdain for the car seat) but no place is more exciting than Delilah's school. I wish we could send you there next year, you would have so much fun. And you're already smarter than the average two year old so I think you would fit in just fine.

You like to sing and dance and watch TV. You like your SpongeBob PJ's the very best (even though you have never seen a single episode of the show). At night you sleep with a little bear named Pinky (she's pink--I'm clever with names) and for a while you wanted a book in your bed too.

I have prayers for your health and happiness that I whisper over you at night. I know that God put you here because we will not only love you but teach you about a God who loves you even more. All the twists and turns to get to where we are just prove that God desired you for our family.

I am so happy that you are my son, you make my days brighter.

You have my heart, Little Man. And sometime I think all the love I feel for you might just make it explode.

Momma

Musical tastes

2011-02-14T12:50:00.003-05:00

If you know me well you know that I hate worship music. I don't like much music to begin with, but I especially hate music that has, as a listening requirement, that you sing along.

This, my friends, is why I listen exclusively to NPR and if I must listen to music it will only be on my Zune and even then I will skip over most of the songs.

But there is one kind of music that I hate more than worship music, and that is jazz. I despise jazz in nearly all its forms. Our Christmas service at church was a worship song extravaganza followed by a jazz quartet--I was not feeling very Christmasy when we left.

Then yesterday I heard three songs off of DUKE: Three portraits of Ellington and I was smitten. Then Esperanza Spalding won a grammy upon finding her video over at JNNPR I was thrilled. She really is stunning.

So now I have to re-evaluate...

Crawling like a monkey

2011-02-10T09:09:00.000-05:00

On Children

2011-02-06T13:56:00.002-05:00

by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable

9 month Update

2011-02-04T13:20:00.004-05:00

CC crawls like a monkey. One leg bent in a crawl and the other straight like he is going to stand right up.

He says DaDa all the time now but not to anyone in particular. I'll say "MaMa," he'll look at me and say "DaDa." Chad's claiming this as a win.

But CC does Love him some Mommy. He's definitely the only Stewart baby who has preferred me to their Dad. And I'll take it.

And he's the most beautiful sight in all the land. Last night after the 4 most boring hours of school I could have possibly endured I came home to his smiling little face. And he just about leaped out of his Daddy's arms to come to me. I almost cried I was so glad to see his gorgeous face and hold his little body.

On getting what you wanted

2011-02-03T14:04:00.002-05:00

At my 10 year High School reunion one of my girlfriends, from back then, said:

"I was just telling my Mom how it seems that you have gotten everything you ever wanted. Married young, a bunch of kids on a little farm."

I laughed.

It appears I have gotten everything I ever wanted.

The little farm is more of a farmette with only two big dogs and two cats to speak of (only because the husband refuses to allow me to purchase a goat) but the house is definitely a farm house. And an old farm house, at that, (1908) with several random additions that make it look like it was built by the Mad Hatter. In the winter it's drafty and cold and in the summer all the neighbors can hear me yelling at my kids because I try to keep the windows open for as long as I can (no central air and the window units are energy hogs!)

Funny thing about houses built in the early 1900's is the complete lack of closet space, so our little old farmhouse also has some boarded up windows because we turned 1/2 of the office into a bedroom closet (and we refuse to redo the siding until we add yet another wonky addition to make room for all those children!)

Those children...all 6 of them, just like I always wanted. I'm not sure I anticipated how many times a day I would have to spay off a diaper into the toilet or how often a toddler would stick his foot in his own poop and then kick me during a diaper change. And I know I didn't anticipate all the times I would get in an argument with a 6 year old who doesn't think he should do his homework correctly. Or the 3 year old who will sass me from the minute she wakes up until she falls into bed at night.

So thank God I married young because without that handsome young man this whole place would fall apart--farmette, family, and me.

(This was going to be a post about how life is different from the dream. But I guess it turned into one about how much I Love Chad...oh well, that's what the universe wanted said today)

Prisoners of FASD

2011-01-27T11:44:00.000-05:00

Prisoners Of FASD from J Coote on Vimeo.

Found at Coffee Catharsis

Snow Fun

2011-01-21T09:21:00.004-05:00

We loaded into the car at 3:45AM yesterday and took off towards Baltimore. After a quick stop at Grammy's for some doughnuts and coffee we headed off towards PA and a snowy white mountain.

The babies (Larry and younger) were dropped off at Playcare and Holden was taken back to snowboard camp. Chad, Hope and I went off to suit up and after some plan changes each went off in our own direction. Hope on skies, me on a snowboard and Chad off to snowboard on the bigger runs.

I took a little class to get the basics down and then Chad met up with me to do the bunny slope two more times before lunch. The morning was perfect and I was energized.

After lunch I did two more runs down the bunny slope that were pretty disastrous. I fell on my back three times each run and by the end of my second time down the mountain I had cracked my butt-bone so hard that I was crying and Chad had to undo my board from my feet. The snow was pretty packed down by the afternoon and things were starting to get a little icy. At this point I'm pretty sure your only options on a snowboard are fast or falling! It wasn't a stellar end to my day but I still really enjoyed myself and will gladly go back and try to get better next year. My knee, butt and ego are a little bruised (I figured I would have a much easier time picking up the sport than I did!) but all in all I'm happy with our little snow vacation.

The best part was watching Holden come down the mountain with his Dad. They were laughing and loving it--Holden is definitely better at the whole snowboard thing than I am!

Where every waitress is really an actress

2011-01-15T15:08:00.002-05:00

(Pearl comes in to my room in a fancy dress)

Me: You look pretty. What are you doing?

Pearl: Well, I work in a food place but really I dance and I'm an artist.

That girl is ready for her theatre career in New York City!

Intro to Parenting

2011-01-13T19:36:00.002-05:00

(I'm sure this has been floating around the internet for 10 years but it makes me laugh so I'm putting it up here anyway)

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

8 Months

2011-01-10T10:11:00.003-05:00

Cecil is getting very big, very fast. I Love that he is changing in such amazing ways but at the same time I am sad for the loss of each baby day.

Here are his 8 month stats:

He is still doing the army crawl but he is a speedy little buger.
He pulls up on everything now.
He's making a bunch of sounds but still no real words.
He eats and eats--we just introduced cheese, he's not sure what to think about it.
Still not anywhere close to sleeping through the night. Oh, well, I like the late night cuddles.
And he is so full of smiles!

I'm quite smitten.

Sedaris

2011-01-04T20:47:00.003-05:00

This makes me laugh

Looking forward to the New Year

2010-12-29T13:44:00.003-05:00

2011 is going to be great. Our kids are awesome and this year will make everything official for all of us.

(2010 Christmas Card Photo)

New Blog to Read

2010-12-23T09:42:00.002-05:00

I foud this blog through a web board that I frequent

Coffee Catharsis

It's been a wonderful read and I really enjoy how this Mom talks about life with FASD children and yet doesn't let it define her life or her writing.

Kids tell the Christmas story

2010-12-21T17:30:00.003-05:00

(From Jesus Needs New PR)

Merry Xmas Everybody

2010-12-17T19:56:00.001-05:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Jesus Is a Liberal Democrat

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog</a>

March to Keep Fear Alive

Found over at Jesus Needs New PR

When they grow up

2010-12-16T10:30:00.002-05:00

Larry wants to be a a Farmer when he grows up, or maybe a builder. Pearl sometimes says she would like to be a Mommy and a Social Worker (because she's smart), but also says she would like to be a veterinarian or a ballerina.

Ty says he would like to grow up to be Ty, and I would say that is a pretty good place to start. Holden wants to work at Toys R Us and help poor people (he says he wants to help them find beds to sleep in).

Delilah is fairly settled on what she would like to be. She will tell anyone who asks that when she grows up she is going to be a ...butterfly.

On Why I'm Glad I Married Young

2010-12-08T14:17:00.003-05:00

This guy makes me so glad that I got married when I was 20. The Christian dating scene looks painful.

(Thanks to Jesus Needs New PR)

Meant to be

2010-12-03T09:38:00.001-05:00

I will miss these days

2010-12-03T09:21:00.001-05:00

Today I was nursing and looking into the baby's beautiful eyes. I whispered "I love you" to him and he reached up and touched my lips. Such a perfectly tender moment.

Patty Cake

2010-11-29T17:59:00.000-05:00

(found at Dooce)

Books, Music and stylish video editing

2010-11-29T10:20:00.002-05:00

Three things I Love (Nick Hornby, Ben Folds and Pomplamoose) all in one video. It has been a glorious Monday morning!

National Adoption Day

2010-11-20T16:01:00.004-05:00

Last Sunday we celebrated 3 years as a forever family!

New hair

2010-11-16T19:16:00.003-05:00

Old Hair

New Hair

Halloween 2010

2010-11-01T12:38:00.003-05:00

We are heathens who dress our children up and make them beg for candy from strangers. But they sure are cute doing it!

Adoption inquisition

2010-10-24T21:03:00.000-05:00

Fun Song

2010-10-20T16:52:00.003-05:00

I Love, Love, Love this song! And the artists are just adorable.

(Thanks to my friend Michelle)

Biblical womanhood

2010-10-19T12:55:00.003-05:00

I am so excited about Rachel Held Evans new book project! 2012 can't get here soon enough.

Fiona and Me

2010-10-14T21:24:00.003-05:00

I think if Fiona Apple and I ever went out to dinner together you could probably make a very solid bet that one of us would knock the dishes out of some poor waiter's hands.

(PS--I really think she's stellar and...Fiona, if you read my blog, I think we should make this dinner date happen)

(source)

2010-10-11T09:20:00.002-05:00

(source)

Yesterday Holden started showing me all of the moves that he's learning in dance class. I was so impressed with him and his determination to do everything just right.

He told me the other day that he wants to play football next year. I told him that was great but that he can only have two activities so he would have to choose between boy scouts, dance class and football. He said "But I love dance class!"

Baby Cecil

2010-10-05T13:20:00.003-05:00

Since I keep this blog mostly as a history of our family and as a not so secret journal of my thoughts, I wanted to make sure that I was posting some of the baby's milestones here.

At three months old Cecil rolled both ways (belly to back and back to belly)

At one week shy of 5 month he got his first tooth (the front bottom left)

At one week past 5 months he got his second tooth (the front bottom right)

He looks like Holden did as a baby, except he has blue eyes.

He will only sleep in our bed. (Unlike Pearl who would wake up if you looked in her direction)

We like him.

It isn't nice when it puts down our kids

2010-09-28T09:00:00.002-05:00

There are some words and phrases that I just hate. Rescued, you're amazing, what you are doing is wonderful.

Sometimes I feel like I should only hang out with adoptive parents. Adoptive and foster parents never say those things.

So just let me put this out there--

1. No one rescues a child by adopting them. You can rescue a child from a burning house, rescue a child from drowning but you do not rescue a child from living without you. More than anything our adoptive children rescue us. They save us from our narcissism and our wrong ways of thinking. They open our worlds up; they give us the gift of themselves.

2.We are no more amazing for raising our adoptive children than we are for raising our biological children. Parents are amazing. But if it's not something that you are saying because that person is just a stellar individual and you are saying it because you have some sense that this child needed a rescuer, then you should probably keep your mouth shut. And the same goes for doing anything "wonderful," "brave," or "commendable." We are simply parenting our children, just like everyone else.

Living, or maybe only sort of living, with doubt

2010-09-22T12:43:00.002-05:00

This is just amazing. I needed to read this today.

Lately I have been thinking that I'm not so sure how I feel about this God thing. Not that I don't believe but maybe that I don't care. And I keep thinking "This is just what the devil wants" but in the same thought I think "The devil probably isn't real."

I started embracing my doubts. But I wasn't doubting to search and to know God more. I was (I am) bleeding out slowly.

I think if I went on like this (go on like this?) I could die just sort of having lived. I could be happy but not satisfied. Not empty but certainly not full.

I don't know what any of this means. It probably won't mean that when I start to pray that I will keep going past the doubt. I will probably still pause and think "I'm just not sure how I feel about this whole thing."

But I thought Jon's post was important and I felt like those words might have been for me. (And I usually hate Serious Wednesdays)

Fish

2010-09-20T09:27:00.004-05:00

Holden and Chad have been fishing a lot lately and we have found ourselves singing this song around the house.

Then Homestarrunner was mentioned on SCL today.

I feel like God is trying to tell me something through the use of 7 year old pop culture...

Bespectacled

2010-09-16T12:13:00.004-05:00

Holden got glasses yesterday. He'll wear them at school and to do his homework. His eyes aren't terrible, 20/30, but we didn't want him struggling to read. I think he's pretty stinkin' cute.

Delilah--on being two and turning three

2010-09-03T14:14:00.007-05:00

Oh, Ms. Delilah Mae--

On more than one occasion this year I have considered changing your name to Penelope. That's what we had planned to name you until the day before you were born. Then I got swayed by the adorable poppyness of those stinkin' Plain White T's and went and named you Delilah (along with every other hipster in America) and now I hear your name everywhere I go. I'm so sorry that you will spend your entire life being Delilah S. Feel free to go by Mae.

So anyway...

Most days you start out in the morning hugging me and telling me that I am your very best friend. By mid-afternoon you are usually yelling that you "want you to talk-a-me" even though I've been engaging you in conversation all day. And by the evening you round out the day by calling me a dammithead. At least you feel free to express yourself.

You like hugs and kisses and high fives (in that order) and you cry if Daddy and I don't dole them out before we leave the house. Sometimes you cry if we don't do it twice.

You like dolls and dancing and playing in the dirt. You are the only kid Larry can consistently get to sit in the backyard and dig in the dirt for a whole afternoon. You also are not above engaging in the theft of fruit snacks and cookies so Larry uses that to his advantage.

In fact you are Larry are becoming quite the team. If something is messy, broken or missing I can guarantee that you and Larry had a hand in the mischief. He likes having a partner in crime and you like being messy and eating sweats so it works out well for the both of you.

This is your first year in dance class and you seem to really love it. I can't wait to see your recital.I'm hoping that you throw aside all of the choreography and bust out some of your own custom moves

Lilah Really Getting Her Groove On from Chadwick Stewart on Vimeo.

I Love you Deeba-do, Here's to making 3 as great as 2 (I totally didn't mean for that to rhyme but I'm going with it)

Call me Lady Tiger but I never eat my young

2010-09-03T06:24:00.004-05:00

We don't watch Yo Gabba Gabba anymore so I had completely forgotten about the sheer awesomeness that is Leslie Hall

Then I watched this

(Thanks Knotty Yarn)

Off to school

2010-08-30T08:48:00.002-05:00

It's your first day of first grade! I can't believe how very, very big you have gotten. And now you are in the numbered grades--WOW, that feels like such a huge change! So I suppose that you are now officially a big kid...

I Love you big kid!